Slightly after turning 50, my doctor informed me it was time for me to have a colonoscopy. He also told me I should lose 30 pounds. Obviously, I need a new doctor.
I was thinking about his recommendations over lunch while sipping on a chocolate milkshake after eating a double bacon cheeseburger. I have spent a lifetime filling my colon with vast quantities of (mostly) edible substances and have very few complaints regarding its performance. So I was a little dubious as to why, just because I turned 50, I should allow a total stranger to, well, explore my nether regions like a Conquistador searching for a “Lost Polyp of Gold.”
Now, I take to heart God’s directions to Noah and his family after the great flood. God blessed them and told them, “All the animals of the earth, all the birds of the sky, all the small animals that scurry along the ground, and all the fish in the sea… I have given them to you for food, just as I have given you grain and vegetables” (Genesis 9:2-3). And while the Bible has much more to say about food (including the sin of gluttony), it does make it clear that food is a blessing and something we should enjoy. I, for one, am doing my best to do just that.
As I finished off a wonderful Philly Cheesesteak smothered with provolone cheese, sautéed mushrooms and caramelized onions for dinner, I looked up the benefits of completing the “procedure.” While the one major “con” makes one rather queazy, there is little debate that early screening is a proven life saver.
So it was, several weeks later with Miralax in hand, I began the process of “cleansing” my fifty year old plumbing in preparation for my “C-Day.” As a hearty eater with a particular fondness for generous splashes of Tabasco and large gobs of wasabi, I began my “liquid only” fast and chugged the first 32 ounces of my Miralax/Gatorade cocktail with haughty boldness.
The first rumblings began a couple hours later. At first, I wasn’t certain if the audible reverberations were simply a cry for food or caused by the Miralax cocktail. I quickly learned, it was indeed the cocktail. This was also about the time I remembered ignoring my wife’s concerns that our septic tank was backing up.
I do not recall reading anywhere in the “colonoscopy preparation” documents about having a plunger handy once the Miralax cocktail has begun to take effect, but that is a serious oversight. Even more so once the second 32 ounces of the devilish cocktail have been consumed. Likewise, there really should be suggestions about removing such things as bathroom mats and rugs in the event one is otherwise detained and cannot reach the plunger in time.
Later, as I lay on a gurney awaiting the sweet relief of sleep induced by Propoful, I knew my colon had never been so clean or empty. When I awoke a moment later, the procedure was over and the doctor informed me all was well. He then complimented me on the fine job I had done with my preparation. A gesture I almost forgot to pass on to the plumber.